Britain Is Repossessing The USA

Saw this on my uni’s forum.

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which She does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable Levels (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.

6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) — roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

John Cleese

Haha, couldn’t agree with him more! 😛


~ by usma on 4, January, 2007.

31 Responses to “Britain Is Repossessing The USA”

  1. What took you so long ? I second the motion(s), and wonder why all this did’t happen when Bill “slick willie” was in office.
    Terry Sullivan

  2. I am in awe and admiration of the author’s ability to be caustic, sarcastic, funny, cutting and insulting without being crude or mean-spirited. Lovely.

  3. Indeed!One is most amused 🙂

  4. stop hating on my country

    i’A obama will win in 08 and well finally have a real president

  5. Tea time? Who the hell has time for tea?

  6. Oh dear Lord! You don’t have time for a cuppa? What is the world coming to.You should migrate to England.

    side note: Shaykh Hamza Yusuf loves our tea 😀

  7. Yes, Obama will suck just as much. COME on England, hurry up with taking us over. We need the help pretty bad.

  8. It looks like your doing a pretty well job to me, Can anyone tell me what New York is actually like?, i’d love to move there, but i’m only judging it from tv programs, etc. Much America xx

  9. Other than that bit about taxes, I can’t wait! Will we get BBC?

  10. Ahhhhhhhh, if only Yanks appreciated how necessary this really is. Unfortunately they have no understanding of how they appear to the rest of the world, and so this problem exists.

    When her Majesty re-establishes sovereignty over the Americas, I am sure that BBC television will be made available to loyal subjects. Most likely BBC radio as well. If Americans successfully manage to convert to intelligent mature adults then perhaps instilling some culture and civility will be achieveable. In the end however I feel that you cant polish a turd. Time will tell 🙂

  11. If your American and you agreed with or appreciated any of the afore mentioned suggestions about our country, leave. It really is that easy. Quit bitching, pack your stuff and move. Your lack of belief and patriotism are some of the main reasons this country is losing its way. Ive been to England, not a bad joint, but I’ll take coffee and straight teeth any day over crap tea and yellow smiles.

  12. Three words: World War Two. No thanks are necessary.

  13. I love the way that the current generations of Americans believe that the deeds of their predecessors somehow has managed to instill some form of greatness on themselves. Living vicariously off the shaddows of another generations laurals and basking (and claiming) their glory as your own only serves to demonstrate the substantial lack of substance you possess as an individual and indeed as a nation. In short stop abdicating responsibility for your life and do something truly noteworthy of your own making.

  14. World War Two? You were two years late joining the good guys, and only then it was in response to Pearl Harbor. I love America but man do I hate all the morons who think America won the war by themselves, (it’s so disrespectful to the dead) they were part of a ‘team’ called the Allies, not ‘Team America’. Do american schools not teach you the full story about history? Think Vietnam and the Gulf Wars and read some books, ignorance for the dead is a disgrace.

  15. skillz…..he haz dem. Someone put the Queen on the ballot this year.

  16. I myself am quite a bit anti-American, yet I still do not want people who have problems seeking proper dental care or kicking their heroin addiction to tell me what to do. Please get a better handle om your own nation before speaking ill of ours. Abandon your pound and accept the Euro. We will not accept your unitary system so please do not try to pretend to understand real democracy. One more thing WRITE your constitution down so its not make believe.

  17. This guy is so smug, where does he get off saying this crap?

  18. Oh, Americans are such Gods, with their 46″ waistlines, and 48GG breasts; their amazing education system produces leaders like “Dub’ya”; and their businesses fighting to keep polluting. When I grow up, I want to be an American

  19. These sweeping statements about Brits having bad teeth is verging on racial discrimination. I bet most Americans haven’t even met a Brit so I suppose you can’t blame them, they just believe how the media portray us with weird accents (that no one in Britain actually has) and bad teeth. They really shouldn’t take The Simpsons as gospel. A lot of media portray Americans as being crippling dumb, however most of the world have the sense to realise when the media is genralising, just a shame some of the most vocal Americans can’t.

  20. “One more thing WRITE your constitution down so its not make believe”. Most of the constitution is written in the form of statutes, court judgments and treaties. The pound kicks ass, think dollar/pound rate. We’ve had a real democracy longer than you have. Though I do agree there are a few issues we could get sorted out! I just hate this whole America/Britain argument. Americans are our closest Allies, and I like to think we’re valued the same way back in some way.

  21. Wow.. people are already arguing about this. You all really need a sense of humor. I’m American, I love my country, and I thought this was funny as hell and took no offense to it.

  22. Tru That Deathdude87, Yeah Im english, but looking at it as an American, LMFAO! I would like to go to america one day!!!

  23. Agreed with Deathdude87. It’s just humor folks, did you even read what was said? People need to stop and think for a moment before they jump on the whole “America sucks and this is why” bandwagon. Most can figure out it’s not a utopia but no country is. So why bother argueing?

  24. Gotta agree with the last 3 posters. Thinking this is funny isn’t from a lack of belief in the US, or from lack of patriotism. It’s funny and doesn’t actually make fun of Americans (well, except for electing Bush). All the humor is just from differences in American/British culture (OMG adding the letter “u” to words, this guy is insidious). If you don’t know who John Cleese is, go watch any Monty Python movie. He is an amazing comedian. And on a more serious note: Americans who rag on Americans that criticize the nation, what’s up with that? Sorry for wanting this to be a better place to live…sorry for wanting to improve.

  25. yeah. i’m canadian and even we couldn’t put up with you.

  26. Yeah, too bad the letter is falsely credited.

  27. Ok.. well thank you to everyone who posted their comments. I don’t think it should be taken so seriously, it is quite funny regardless of who wrote it.

    Chill out folks 🙂

  28. Whats Canada?

  29. If people seriously have a problem with this, why doesn’t someone write a proposition for the Annex of Great Britain? =) it might be amusing if people are clever. As for all the folk who are enraged at this ‘Anti-American’ remarks, grow up. America is only great because we are willing to accept what other people call crazy or insane. Take the critiques that others give and use it to build a better America. That is what makes Bush a terrible leader, his inability to learn from mistakes and accept the responsibility to learn and improve from other people comments, not his supposed lack of intelligence nor (hideously) poor grammar.

  30. I’m American, love my country but fear my government. This was a funny article and I’ll leave it at that. As to the argument about who is better, Yanks or Brits, we are one in the same. We both suffer for a superiority complex that has stemmed from hundreds of years of colonialism. The Brits taught the Yanks everything that we know when it comes to wiping out indigenous cultures and instilling upon them age old Catholic/Christian beliefs that have done nothing but make these cultures worse off both culturally and economically. Bush is a giant douche bag no doubt, but to blame the state of affairs in the world solely on him is not only ignorant, it just perpetuates the problem even further. We are all responsible for the state of the world because we all live here and ultimately have an effect, no matter how large or small that effect may be. The people in the world that have hatred for our countries have this hatred because we have been oppressing their cultures for hundreds, even thousands of years (we being Americans, British, French, the west as it is normally categorized). To stop this hatred we need to understand that these cultures are not worse off then our own, they are just different. Essentially we need to stop bullying them around or one day they will become strong enough to strike back with enough force to drastically change the world in a way that will be horrible for everyone living here.

  31. I love the rebuttal on Snopes.


    To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

    We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we’re amused by your quaint belief that you’re actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

    However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a “backwards step” by the majority of the world.

    To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

    1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren’t always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let’s use your “aluminium” example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name “aluminum” (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into “aluminium” to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We’d also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

    However, we’d like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

    2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we’ll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

    3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 – 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 – 97.85 = 2.15)

    4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don’t rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels”, “Trainspotting”, and “The Full Monty”. We’ve also heard good things about this “Billy Elliot”. But one good movie a year doesn’t exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you’re doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

    5. It’s inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it’s toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt “Candle In The Wind” again for you guys.

    6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
    United States gets fourth place in men’s soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

    7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt ‘n’ Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there’s a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren’t the spawn of satan they’ll teach you how to cook.

    8. You’re doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it’s cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That’s why we bought the companies.

    9. We’ll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for “Teletubbies”.

    Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

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